I have sent an email to the USPTO, with the following text:
Can someone else look for alternative methods of contact?
I spoke with my tenant, who just so happens to work at the USPTO in DC, and she said the likelihood of this being approved is very slim. She said companies try this crap all the time, but the approval board normally won't grant a patent for something like this. Unfortunately she's in the finance department, so she's not privy to the details of any patent requests. I'll see if I can gather anymore information from her.